Chapter One

The Missing Factor

Dana and Greg came to see me soon after they ran into serious relationship problems. Their love for and commitment to each other was apparent, but it was also clear that the past was eating away at the present. When Dana and Greg first met, he was still dealing with the emotional turmoil of his recent divorce. Greg clung to Dana like a drowning person clings to a life preserver. Dana's previous relationship and subsequent divorce had occurred a few years earlier, and she, though needy, was no longer in crisis. During our time together, I helped Greg forgive his first wife, Gloria, so that he was better able to see Dana as a new and distinct person. And I helped Dana to understand Greg's neediness and also to forgive herself for choosing a partner who was in the middle of a difficult time in his life.

Dana also realized that she had work to do to forgive Greg for his insecurity and the difficulties that caused. Learning how to forgive helped to prevent Greg's and Dana's pasts from damaging their present. Forgiveness saved their relationship and gave them skills to understand that letting go of grudges and resentment would be a critical part of maintaining a loving and lasting relationship.

Greg and Dana are just one example of a couple for whom forgiveness has been essential for navigating the challenges that all relationships face. Relationship issues may emerge when partners are at different developmental stages, or when they have different needs and expectations—for example, when one partner wants children and the other does not, or when one partner wants to move for a job and the other does not. Many couples struggle with caretaking for aged parents or with being overwhelmed by work. In our busy and hectic lives, it is difficult for many of us to find the energy and time to deal successfully even with life's normal struggles.

Luke was in his forties when he met thirtysomething Diane. He already had two kids from a first marriage, and she wanted two of their own. Luke loved and wanted Diane, but did not want more children. Diane wanted more children, and she also wanted Luke. They were both convinced that the other was insensitive because both heard only the other's rejection of their own needs. It took a lot of work, but eventually forgiveness allowed Luke and Diane to talk to each other and lovingly accept the limitations of entering a relationship with a person with different life desires and goals.

From relative interest in sex to dedication to work to relationships with parents and children, there are simply too many ways in which a relationship can become unbalanced. Considering how complex life can be, it is inevitable that we will disagree with our partners on things both important and not so important. The key is to understand the inevitability of disagreement and the need to forgive the inevitable and to move on with love. In this book, you will learn how to do this, and you will also see for yourself the immediate value of forgiveness in your relationship when you discover that it is an essential balm for hurt feelings.

Committed relationships are hard work, and they ask a lot of us. According to the triangle theory of romance, it takes passion, friendship, and commitment to sustain a relationship. Relationships falter when they have two of these elements but lack the third. If you both love and like your partner but aren't committed, your relationship will end eventually. If you feel friendship with and commitment to your partner, you'll end up with a good friend, not a lover. If you have commitment and passion without friendship, you will end up with a stormy but passionate mess. In order for your relationship to work, you need to love your partner, like your partner, and be willing to stick it out through thick and thin.

As director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, I have probably taught more people to forgive in the United States than anyone else during the past decade. I have conducted the largest successful forgiveness research study to date, and my research has proven that forgiveness heals a wide range of emotional and psychological issues—from severe trauma such as the murder of a child to dealing with the loss of money in the stock market. I have taught forgiveness in corporate settings, in medical and law schools, at numerous churches and synagogues, and in a host of other religious and secular settings. Also, I have trained numerous therapists in my forgiveness methods and helped them learn to use my work in their practices.

In addition, I have worked with thousands of disappointed and angry couples and individuals who have been hurt in their relationships. Listening to countless stories of infidelity, alcohol abuse, mistreatment of children, disregard for feelings, and other causes of divorce and disagreement, I have seen firsthand how difficult it is to make relationships work. In fact, my dozen years of teaching and research on forgiveness have convinced me of just how hard it is to have a loving and lasting union. But more than that, this work has shown me how essential forgiveness is and why it needs to be at the center of our relationships.

Forgive for Love shows how to forgive the things people do to the ones they love. The skills taught in this book not only will help you come to terms with a grievance or disagreement in the past, but will also enable you to prevent problems from developing in your current relationship, no matter how good it is.

The tools discussed in this book are for people in a committed relationship. I often use the word "marriage," but you do not need to be married to find these tools beneficial. They will also work in your relationship with a significant other, a life partner, or a lover. . . .

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Excerpted from Forgive for Love: The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship by Frederic Luskin
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